Millions Prepare For Orgasm During Obama Speech
Washington—In what could likely put Playboy magazine out of business, millions of Americans are preparing to achieve orgasm during Barack Obama’s inauguration speech tomorrow. The abundant frenzy—expected upward of 20 million—would be unprecedented in American history, dwarfing the two or three million orgasms on Election Night.
Obama’s speech, “Great Expectations,” is reportedly expected to run 17 minutes long—a period of time which is sure to leave millions writhing and undulating in sheer bliss. The Pew Center for research has reported that 90 percent of women, and 85 percent of liberal men, expect to achieve climax in the final thrust of Obama’s campaign speech, leaving many with “Great Expectations” of their own.
The time that many are expected to reach their moment of hysteria is during the point in the speech in which Obama says, “Ask not what you can do for your government; rather, ask what your government can do for you. For personal responsibility is a thing of the past.”
There are many working poor, planning to watch the Obama’s Inauguration, one of whom is Sheila Denning—a 27-year old waitress at Denny’s. She told us that watching Obama’s Inauguration is better than sex.
“This event,” Sheila said, “is one of the most satisfying experiences I’ll have in my entire life. I feel so complete now that Obama is entering the White House. He’s just a personal dream.”
“I think it’s super,” exclaimed, Bobby Fister—a gay, 39-year old Network Systems Engineer for Microsoft. “This is the greatest moment of my life. I’ll have my popcorn and a moist towel ready to go.”
Even though many expect to complete during Obama’s address to the nation, others have tuned in for the unifying aspects of his skin color. Joann Feldstein is just one of those people. She told us that she can’t wait to feel as though whites and blacks to become one people.
“This is like the most historic event I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” claimed Feldstein, a white 28-year old fashion designer from Manhattan. “I feel as though things have totally changed now. As soon as he’s taken his oath of office, I’m going to go find the nearest black man and sleep with him. That way, I’ll be able to rid myself of the guilt I feel for the injustices of the evil white man.”
Whether it’s racial equality or fevered spasms, many will tune in tomorrow, peaking with excitement. The delirious build up is likely to see many orgasms right there in the National Mall in Washington, D.C., sending thousands running for the Port-a-Potties that line the mall.
“This is so exciting,” said an enthusiastic Cherry Downer, a 25-year old Columbia medical student. “I’m with Katie Couric. I get all tingly just thinking about his speech tomorrow. I can’t wait. I love you, Katie!”